Tuesday, September 26, 2006

the first time i failed, the only thing i felt was the money and time wasted.
the second time i failed, the only thing i felt was failure.

the first time i failed, i got over it within 10 minutes.
the second time i failed, i could barely keep the tears in for 1 minute.

the first time i failed, i was a ship with just a small insignificant dent.
the second time i failed, i know i was shipwrecked.

it stings to look failure in the eye - a second time.

i felt like hopping onto a bus, any bus and jus sit and see where it took me. but even my ezlink card refused to cooperate - no money inside. i felt like taking myself to my hideout during mugging days and jus sit, sip coffee, munch subway cookies, and read. but even cathy & jodie (which is a terribly good read), could not lift my spirits. and yet i was reluctant to go home, and possibly face people, on top of facing myself. so all i did was wish the bus ride would never end, hope that commuters would not notice me, and find whatever comfort there was in angsty punk rock music.

its not all over, i know.
i'll still try again, i know.
but the stakes will jus get higher.
and i'd be left with the choice of making it at multiple tries,
or breaking it yet again.

for now, i jus wan to binge, feel like a wreck, and wallow in my own self pity.

5:52 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Saturday, September 23, 2006

mid-sem, finally.

who cares abt the stressful weeks and shitty grp members when u get to go out with a bang? i went out with a bang today, with the twang :)). it was ~~subway~~ (which got cancelled cus no white chip!), then cartel, then food court but of cus not for hei she hui, then subway (yes again, cus there's white chip now), then lido for drinks and icy tower. i officially announce, that we are the bomb. hardly had so much fun in a long, long time. breath of civilisation downtown was a welcoming change, despite that fact that we are miss da-bao-xiao-bao's for the day. stuffed ourselves full with bread, mushrooms, fish, bread, and more food.

fun is but an understatement - it felt like sheer bliss. most memorable moment - my inability to breathe through the jokes at foodcourt, and my getting high from there on. and of cus, her laughing at my initial score of 40 when she the expert game over-ed at a honourable zero thereafter. o.O

recess week ahead looks dreadfully packed with the wrong stuff - projs. assignments. but for now, what a night it's been.

:)) double chin, and lovin' it.

1:21 am
mayhemisphere;
........
Sunday, September 17, 2006

weekends are happier, nicer, sweeter - not. it's all jus screwed. its supposed to be better, not worse. its supposed to be happier, not sadder. its supposed to feel lighter, not heavier. its all jus screwed now. its scary when you actually feel like going back to hall and having school, esp when school already sucks so much.

so do i rejoice in that i get to look fwd to what seems now like the better of the two evil? its all just, screwed.

12:52 am
mayhemisphere;
........
Sunday, September 10, 2006

im missing my best friends an awful lot. :(

1:57 am
mayhemisphere;
........
Friday, September 08, 2006

some might wonder why i havent blogged in almost a week (if anyone even reads this thing anyway). well, uni life is jus hard to handle. im stripped of the time and the effort to sit down and start chanting abt the boring and uneventful life that i've been leading the past week. assignments and projs and stuff jus keep coming, even before i find the time to clear those that are arnd on my to-do list.

its not jus the work that im finding hard to handle. if its jus work, no matter how much, i'll jus probably only grumble and do them all the same. but its the environment, too. people are becoming too hi-bye for me to take; i have too many acquaintances for my own comfort; the air arnd sometimes feels too full of pretense for me to be able to embrace. one minute pple are lovin ya, and the nxt they turn the tables and you barely have time to realize it, much less know why. who is there that i can truly call a pal? it started off rather well... and jus kinda went downhill frm there i guess. what happened?

at times like these i miss my girls even more. its hard enough we're all in different schools (countries) doing different things. we handled it in jc, we can handle it again right?

but on a lighter note, forbidden city was the bomb. like seriously, dynamite-filled-power-explosives, bomb. can forget abt looking only towards foreign musicals liao, pple. we've got good, home-grown musicals. with home-grown artistes. kit chan is really the bomb lorr. singapore idol can go eat shit and fly kite for all i care. they're nvr gna in a million gazillion years make it close. starting the show in the first place was jus a mistake. kit chan, and even hossan leong, is the bomb. :)

this is my only chance,
love, open my heart.
years of broken dreams all in the past.
this is my only chance,
love, make me a part.
of someone, who shows me.
he knows me, and loves me...
at last.

11:00 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Sunday, September 03, 2006

im up on the 2nd consecutive night at an unearthly hour. doing it in the name of work, but i noe that deep down, im actually trying my luck to see if ah tay will come on. it's wishful thinking, i noe, but jus can't help doing it. it's worrying not to have heard anything from her, that she's reached safely and is settling down well. even though i noe she's probably busy unpacking and everything else.

still not quite adjusted yet. its abt 2am now and usually i'd still be chatting online with her. there are lots of new albums coming out lately and usually she'd be the only one who'd discuss them with me. im 'chatting' with my cs101 textbook and looking up the new albums on my own.

are you there yet? safe and sound and settling?

2:06 am
mayhemisphere;
........
Friday, September 01, 2006

reeling from the after-effects of sending best friend off at the airport. its scaringly weird to noe that she's probably transitted, and on the way to far-until-like-siao switzerland. and i wldnt see her little cutesy frame for a year. no longer toapayoh to novena now, it's singapore to switzerland. can i jus say that it sucks big time?!

weird way of sending her off too. so many aunties lah, uncles lah, cousins lah... we were jus in the background. brief hug which i didnt even had enough time to savour, and she's off in a whiff. with the bagpack that's bigger than her body, and heavier than maybe even herself. im so gna miss you ah tay. you better come back as soon as i fill up that coinbox you gave. and she didnt cry again!! whack her lorr, everybody.

my wish, for you
is that this life becomes all that you want it to
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
you never have to carry more than you can hold
and while you're out there gettin' whr you're gettin' to
i hope you noe somebody loves you
and wants the same things too
yeah this, is my wish.
:)

have the time of ur life, ah tay.
while ur at it, rmb that im missing u already! hugs.

9:34 am
mayhemisphere;
........