Wednesday, October 26, 2005

"...i don't understand God's plans in our lives. sometimes when things seem to be God-given, they are suddenly snatched away and all you're left with is a disappointed and discouraged heart. that's when i wonder, 'why did God do what He did?' God is always real and true in my life, but that doesnt mean that there are never times that i get upset with God; times when i am confused by His ways; times when His presences seems faraway... but i cling on to romans 8:28. God will always know what He's doing, and all i have to do is put my trust in Him. He will come through for me... for others too.. not in our timing, but in His own perfect timing..."

i can take the rain
on the roof of this empty house
that don't bother me
i can take a few tears now and then
and jus let them out
im not afraid to cry every once in a while
even though going on
with you gone still upset me
there are days every now and again
i pretend i'm ok
but that's not what gets me

it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you
everywhere i go, but i'm doing it
it's harder for a sad smile
when i see our old friends and i'm alone
still harder - getting up, getting dressed
dealing with this regret
but i know if i could do it over
i would trade, give away
all the words that i say
in my heart that i left unspoken

what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away
and never knowing what could've been
and not seeing that loving you
is what i was trying to do

9:55 pm
mayhemisphere;
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Saturday, October 22, 2005

i promised kai i would blog this morning... but i really didnt noe what to talk abt, until i was organizing the mails in my inbox, and more than accidentally chanced upon the mails that i've kept for more than 5 years. reading thru them brought back lots of memories...

the time when i was still struggling to adjust to stnicks, and missing tvps like mad... the times when things go wrong at home or at school... when i jus needed someone trustworthy to pour out to... joyful times, troubling times... she was there every single time throughout those years to offer comfort, support, advice and love... it was tough to read thru them. the heart wrenching feeling that i've buried deep inside my wound surfaced all of a sudden, and brought hurtful tears to my eyes. i dun believe anybody will ever understand any of what im going thru. after all, they didn't go thru it. we all have our own unique experiences, dun we?

this is smthg i'll nvr understand - why and how did things become like this? i felt what it was like to be covered... to be understood even more than you think you understand yourself... to be loved more than you ever think anyone will be able to. but beware. the world eventually comes crashing down. jus like the tsunamis, they come with no warning, and come with a force ever so strong that you feel like you've been blown apart. but at least i gained a lesson from all these... at least i learnt smthg of myself... that i'll probably never trust anyone in the same measure ever again. even if that lesson is one full of regrets.

11:01 am
mayhemisphere;
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Sunday, October 09, 2005

was jus walking back home jus now and thinking about the week coming up. technically, its the last week of school already. time really flies... all of a sudden instead of struggling thru the torturous orientation days in cj and aj, i've arrived at the last week of jc. read titu's blog... and i agree with what she said. im owaes lamenting abt how jc life is so stressful lah, how aj sucks like mad lah and so on and so forth. but when it comes to the end of my jc journey, it jus suddenly feel weird. jus a few days ago i was thinking about the end of jc... and wondering if my friendship with gracie ning and titu will go on even after jc ends. i know i'll be missing the morning breakfast sessions with them of course... and the crapping and gossiping that comes with it.

suddenly shouting titu's name damn loud when mr.x comes around... observing the scandalous relationship between mr y and miss z... and of course, filling each other in with the latest juicy infomation on campus. jianing will be as usual saying "im damn tired and im going to faint now or im going to be a MUGGER from today onwards!!!"... grace will usually be the first to arrive, many thanks to da ge of course or else she'll always be the last... kaishi with her variety of ai xin breakfast each morning and occasionally she'll do her miracle shit between the first and second bell. (im still amazed at how she manages that.) and me... yes, my ham and egg sandwich and packet milo!!! oh man i'll miss morning breakfasts!!

come to think of it, no more school is actually quite sad. no more bumping into each other in school and making small talk. not sure if we'll be able to see each other as often after jc... but im sure we'll make the effort. after all, we're really the zhi ji of zhi ji's. even though our friendship is more often than not, built upon lies. (thanks to you guys!!) but what we share is something so special and precious, i noe none of us will take it lightly. how many times in one's lifetime can one actually find soulmates such as mine? im so lucky.

28 december - wait for us.

8:53 pm
mayhemisphere;
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

now's really not the time to mope and wallow... but i really can't help but feel awfully stressed out. all of sudden it seems to me that all hope is lost. there's jus like so much work to be done, too much to be able to be completed. there seems to be too much to prepare for; too tough for me to understand or grasp... sighs im at a loss. trying my best to keep going, keep giving my best. but i feel hopeless, i really do.

10:55 pm
mayhemisphere;
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Monday, October 03, 2005

from the 'major slacking' mode in the previous post, to the major mugging mode now. no more slacking already! as of today, its 36 days to the official start of the big A's. so fast!!! oh man im feeling super damn stressed. like so much to study so much to prepare for and im totall not in the mugging mood. but like i got choice like that... die die also must mug right. bo pian.
but there's a worthy cause for rejoicing though. our hongkong trip is confirmed! im really going to hongkong with gracie titu and ning-er. wahahah it seems a little too unbelievable even to me. i mean, since the o's ended we already check check check... in the end also wu dong yu zhong. but this time no more talk! its action!!! wahahaha i can't believe it, we'll be spending the new year there somemore. and im fulfilling my dream of flying singapore air!! wahahah this is really a worthy cause for rejoicing. can almost imagine us four crazy girls taking photos like mad, and we don't even have to act like we're tourists, we're really gonna be tourists! oh man ocean park here we come! heh heh... i can't wait i can't wait! 86 days more! :D

but until then... its mugging studying mugging studying of course... :(

10:21 pm
mayhemisphere;
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