Tuesday, June 28, 2005

one of the hardest things to accept is that life, as we know, it does not go on.

relationships are often difficult to establish and maintain. and on rare, wonderful occasions, some just fall into place so easily and run so smoothly from both ends.

losing one we're close to, feels unfair and so sad. those we just fell in love with from the start, that were there for us whatever our circumstances; whatever our pain; no matter how we lost our humour, those we could wrap our arms around and receive comfort from -- we find it impossible to release them, even to death.

once we relax in knowing they are there, will never reject us; will always return our love and affection, how is it possible to plan a future without them?

how can the memories be enough when our hearts seem so slow, yet pound so loudly in our throats; when our joy is crushed; when our eyes cloud and will never view things the same again?

how should we behave then? why should we just walk back into life as though nothing ever happened? how can we ever be expected to smile again? how can we let go? amazingly enough, long before we were conceived, long before we participated in this whirlwind called life, God had a plan -- a perfect plan.

He foresaw the need for this life to have a beginning as well as an end. He created and thoroughly understood the complexities of relating to others. He gave us the ability to love and draw close. He knew the path our lives would take and how deeply we would feel pain. He left nothing out.

He built within us the abilities to grieve without dying; to let go without forgetting; to cope without quitting; to continue to love those who have moved on, yet grow to love others more strongly and even to add new love to our hearts.

He even gave us time...
time to grieve,
time to heal,
and time to grow from our new understanding.

beyond our awesome creation, he knows exactly when we suffer loss and how hard it is for us. We are among those He jus fell in love with from the start, He is there for us no matter what our circumstances or pain, no matter how we've lost our humour. He wants to wrap us in His arms and receive comfort from Him. We can relax in knowing He has always been there, will never reject us, will always return our love and affection and will help us plan our future.

we should not walk the same roads over again. He devised that when our eyes have been clouded by tears we should never view things the same way again. we could grow bitter from sadness, or we could grow and learn compassion. we should never behave as though nothing ever happened. we should fondly rememebr that knowing and then missing someone has changed us completely, and that we were blessed with the company of angels while they were here.

this amazingly perfect plan that God has, of which He mapped our every possible outcome, leads us back into His very capable and loving arms always.

it's not that He wants us to suffer, not that He wants us to cry, not that He wants us to lose those we love dearly. God jus wants us to remember that while we were happily on our journey with our loved one, He was happy too. He leads us to know that after losing our loved one, when we return to life more lonely, He steps up closer to us and not only understands our loneliness, but also helps us hold our head up.

when emptiness invades your sleep, He offers what no other friend can -- serenity as deep as the emptiness and hope as promising as the sunrise.

He is the one friend that cannot and will not die, and will never leave our side.

God's boxes of love
i have in my hands two boxes
which God gave me to hold
He said, "put all your sorrows in the black,
and all your joys in the gold"

i heeded His words, and in the two boxes
both my joys and sorrows i stored
but though the gold became heavier each day
the black was as light as before

with curiosity, i opened the black
i wanted to find out why
and i saw, in the base of the box, a hole
where my sorrows had fallen out by

i showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"i wonder where my sorrows could be"
He smiled a gentle smile at me
"my child, they'are all here with me"

i asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
why the gold and the black with the hole?"
"my child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
the black is for you to let go"

tears.

6:43 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Saturday, June 25, 2005

not really in a mood for blogging. and this being 2 days away from mid years isnt really a time for blogging either. but this being such a special day, i've jus gotta blog.

*happy birthday titu!*

man... xie kaishi you jus dunno what your presence in my life means to me. although sometimes ur cramps and mood swings can really bug me and vex the hell out of me (lol!), you add more joy to my life that you can ever imagine. its unimaginable to me how you're jus able to lift the spirits in any situation and make everybody laugh their sides out.

jus one sentence rings in my heart right now -- you add more joy to my life that you can ever imagine.

jus one sentiment im feeling right now -- im so, so glad i have you in my life.

and jus one thing i wanna tell ya -- i love ya!

the past 5 years 6 months and 25 days have been so amazing its unthinkable. here's to the next 5 years, 15 years and 50 years. until our next chapter...

11:35 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Sunday, June 05, 2005

had the sleepover of the millennium last thurs/fri. gracie, titu and ning-er came over after my history class and we jus had the best time together. we went downstairs to cinenow and rented 2 dvds first... i reluctantly had to watch the eye10 becus huang tai hou wanted to watch. but turned out it wasn't that bad and i apparently turned out to be pretty brave! then we watched mybrother. well it was pretty boring in some bits but then toward the end it was so damn sad!! cows can the koreans STOP making movies out of tragedies? all the korean shows sure got people die one lah! well anyway taihou and g have named our sleepover the sinful camp because we pigged out like mad. chips, drinks, food, cakes, you name it... well, we ate it.

and to jianing's great delight, we finally watched the much acclaimed zu sun qing of hers. well the quality sucks... but the show was good. but sad!! why again people die?! hao shao wen was super irritating yet cute. think we finally went to sleep around 3 plus all of us squeezing on the same bed. (*gasps!* lost my virginity!) surprisingly it was a pretty good sleep for me. woke up a few times and saw jianing's piggy face beside me. grace as usual woke up the first and auto go play gb. we went to macs for breakfast and then suddenly all very on went to kbox. didn't think we'd actually go, but yes we went. the food at kbox sucks!!! like mad!!! well at least it is confirmed that kbox toa payoh service is much much better. the sleepover was damn fun... no matter what the circumstances are... whenever im with the girls, things are jus delightful. we never fail to make jokes, do silly things and laugh like mad hyenas. oh ya we made prank calls too!! LOL. poor souls out there tormented by us in the middle of the night.

girls: it was a good get-together. thanks for making it happen and making so much fun out of it. i put my mind aside from the unhappy things and i love being with your. thanks for being there and always making joy out of nothing at all. we're a happy bunch and i hope we remain our crazy souls. 5, 10 years down the road, i still want to watch horror movies with 3 crazy gals covering their faces with cushions; squeeze on the same queensize bed with 2.5 talkative girls... (the half is grace); i wanna be dragged out from bed by grace becus she demands her macs; i wanna go dig for toothbrush for the forgetful jianing; i still wouldn't mind lugging 4 thick jackets home for all of us; i still wanna act and tape down all our made videos; i still wanna tau pok and bully jianing a.k.a our chihuahua... i'd still wanna do all the crazy things that we do years from today. i love you girls so much! lights of my life. (:

11:10 pm
mayhemisphere;
........