Wednesday, May 25, 2005

trying hard to keep myself busy and buried in school work, my friends, gunbound, hyper relay... anything, anything that can jus take my mind off that. i dun wanna feel lousy, i dun wanna feel all that hurt. i'll jus bury it deep deep down and never give it a chance to surface.

and jus so you know, if i ever rebel and turn my back against the world... it'll be because of you and what you've done to me. all the pain you've inflicted onto my life, all the wrongs that will never be able to be undone. i wan everything to be fine and i wan everything to be sweet. but im thinking it might never be possible anymore.

so if my back is turned... it's becus of you.
if i turn to being a junkie... it's becus of you.
if i lose my conscience and murder... it's becus of you.
if i give up all that i've come to build up over the years and flush it down the drain... it's becus of you.
if i throw in the towel and dun wanna try anymore... it's becus of you.
you and all the damage you've done.
thanks.

10:52 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Tuesday, May 24, 2005

it's a long, long journey
till i know where i'm supposed to be
it's a long, long journey
and i don't know if i can believe
when shadows fall and block my eyes
i am lost and know that i must hide
it's a long, long journey
till i find my way home to You

many days i've spent
drifting on thru empty shores
wondering what's my purpose
wondering how to make me strong
i know i will falter, i know i will cry
i know You'll be standing by my side
it's a long, long journey
and i need to be close to You

~~sometimes~~ it feels no one understands
i don't even know why i do the things i do
when pride builds me up till i can't see my soul
will You break down these walls and pull me through?

cause it's a long, long journey
till i feel that i am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
beneath those stormy skies
when Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
it feels like everything is out to make me lose control
cause it's a long, long journey
till i find my way home to You
to You

ouch. my heart hurts so much. it hurts like hell.
i love you so, so much. but i hate you for what you're doing to my heart.

6:22 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Wednesday, May 11, 2005

gee. i jus got home from the isas lecture by pakistan pm, and whilst i was opening the gate to my humble abode, i was jus thinking... "what is this deep deep burden that i feel in my heart?" you noe what it's been like there the whole day today, and i guess for the past few days as well. i jus sat down drinking water and i suddenly realized wat it was. im tired. that's it, im really tired. physically, that is.

totally freaked out yesterday when shuling commented that i had eyebags. i mean, its like i knew all along that i probably wasnt getting as much sleep as i need to, but it's never really gotten to the extent of my eyebags actually being visible! ya and subsequently after that i was quite obsessed with my eyebags. but it's not as if im tired and i sleep in class. i still make sure i put those imaginery toothpicks between my eyelids when the bell rings for lecture, and i still make sure i keep on talking during tutorials so i still do participate. but i guess inside, i really am tired.

but it's not as if i can help it. mondays are the worst, after homework clinic and i reach home sometimes as late as 1030. 16 whole hours spent out of home, can u imagine that? and none of slacking! it really is rare to see the sun from my study window nowadays (something i consider a luxury now). well im almost there... im halfway thru, and i deem myself to be considerably consistent all the while. i'll jus hang on till the very end, and pull thru by God's grace.

mr choy! oh gosh he's my substitute econs teacher, a.k.a SOS!!!! oh gosh i assure you he's speaking at a speed of 10km/h (or even slower!) well at least i have a sub teacher... poor mrs low. wonder how she is now. but i hope she comes back soon... i miss her and i need her to start lecturing!!! im suffering under the clutches of 'miss-nemo-who-ok's-5-times-in-a-sentence-ng" every econs lect. and i can't imagine another tutorial with mr choy. dialing sos~

5:45 pm
mayhemisphere;
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Monday, May 02, 2005

24.
that's how many hours this day lasted.
22.
that's how many birthday sms-es i received.
6.
that's how many birthday cards i got.
4.
that's how many birthday cakes i blew out.
7.
that's how many online birthday msges i got.
7.
that's how many lovely birthday gifts i received.
18.
and that's how old i turned today.

birthdays past by fast, don't they? mine seemed to have went past in a flash. 24 hours, 60 mins each hour. sounds quite long, but in reality it really goes by in a whiz. well though the past few days before this have been unthinkable and torturous... this birthday turned out quite fine. these few days have been huge pig-out sessions, eating eating eating and slacking slacking slacking. well i guess it's good to take a breather now and then, so people will at least stop saying that im paranoid. hahah. you noe thru all those things that i wrote about, those numbers and everything, one thing that came thru means the most. it's probably the smallest and most insignificant physically, but well it meant one of the most. shan't discuss it here, but i jus wan to thank God for being the one who started all these. for bearing a plan for me 18 years ago, starting the good work in me, and of course the future where He will bring it to completion. though im not perfect and most unworthy of all the love and mercy You've poured out on me, You remain faithful to me all these years and the years i have ahead of me. thank you so much Lord. here's to the start of my 18th year. may i strive to walk closer and closer to the Almighty One, become more and more like him. cheers.

12:00 am
mayhemisphere;
........
Sunday, May 01, 2005

well as usual, wanna blog on the dot on my birthday. eighteen. finally. seems like being 18 is one of the birthdays that i waited the longest for. im partially legal! i can go apply for the long-awaited drive licence already!

well thought that at this point of time i'd be feeling incredibly high, feeling all that euphoria and joy within my heart. but suprisingly, no. it jus feels like another day to me. really. maybe its the things that's happened in the past few days that took away the 'birthday mood', if there even if such a thing. i noe there are people who care a lot about me, and will be there to congratulate and celebrate with me. but somehow this birthday jus feels a little empty... too empty. well physically there is of course a significant difference. i can now purchase m-18 tickets righteously, purchase liquor and cigarettes rightfully... but of course those aren't really the things that i want or will do. and of course, there's the drive licence, the greatest incentive, in my opinion, of turning 18.

had my first birthday cake of 2005 @ auntie sheela's place during the gathering. sis bought it (thanks!)... cookies n cream cheesecake from sweet secrets, my favourite cake place. watched part of congo that night. kumar's right, i sounded as if i was a little kid that's never watched tv before. i truly was intrigued by the movie. haha... guess it's cause never really relax and watch tv for quite some time already. then watched constantine. initially thought i'd be freaked out by the content, but i ended up trying to understand the movie more than anything else. until now, i still dun understand it.

well thanks guys for celebrating my birthday cake with me. kumar for blurting out that there was a cake that night. kenneth for "shhh-ing" him. uncle steven for the sony pen and hinting to me that there's "something" for me. auntie sheela for the great hospitality and food. amy for the great company and smiles. auntie eunice for watching tv with me. sarah for helping me keep my 'secret'. joshua for the nice new haircut. michelle for telling me about your job so far. and of course, sis for everything else. sorry about that awful chapter, but thanks for everything else.

star light, star bright
first star i see tonight
wish i may, wish i might
have the wish i wish tonight...

12:00 am
mayhemisphere;
........