Tuesday, March 29, 2005

but i'd rather you be mean,
than love and lie.
i'd rather hear the truth,
than have to say goodbye.
i'd rather take a blow,
at least then i would know.

smtimes i wished none of this had happened.
smtimes i wished you'd jus get the hell outta my life

9:48 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Tuesday, March 22, 2005

happy birthday gracie. i think if im not wrong last year i posted a blog entry for u too and i wrote "ur truly a gem". well this is the 5th, i hope we really lai ri fang chang. love u so much!

7:43 pm
mayhemisphere;
........

not really having a great start of the new term, even though it turned out that i passed history. had a test right away on monday, which mrs low eventually gave us a dressing down on today. and then i came down with the flu bug (yes, again!) which i currently still am fighting against. and then had to face the many people who asked why i mysteriously appeared in afternoon pe and am not taking the napfa test together with the sports pple. that was probably the worst. i mean, i noe im not that upset abt this issue already, but its like, its really a different thing altogether when you have to tell ur friends straight in the face that nope, ur not in the sch team. but thankfully the non-sclubbers have been pretty supportive thus far... but its like, that aside, there are some really real issues that comes along with this thing. i dun feel comfortable going for training already. yes, i noe the girls probably wldnt mind, and ya, the guys will probably look me in the eye with the she's-not-in-the-sch-team-look... but resources are really on a low with only 2 courts, and its a crucial period of time for them to train. i really dun wan to compete with them for usage of the courts. i noe they'll surely say its no difference, there's no problem and all that. but it's really a different kind of perspective if they stand in my shoes. what's more, on top of feeling extra, my existence in squash is now really rather obsolete. i mean, it's not like we have a recrea. if we did, it wldnt be that bad... but now im the only squash girl who's not in team... that makes me the only girl in recre? even thought about switching ccas... even though for j2s there's effectively only 1 term of cca left. people who loathe me are probably laughing and mocking me behind my back now. not that im really affected by it... but human nature pops back once in a while, u noe?

on the other hand, im most willing to play jus a behind-the-scenes supportive (a.k.a care-le-fare) role... like buy drinks for them lahh, refill water bottle lahh, take towel lahh, sweep the courts lahh... i really dun mind. im willing to fork out the last bit of effort i can contribute. well, jus can't help feeling that my existence in squash is now... well, non-existent. doubting whether from the beginning i should even have joined squash. i mean, i've never been the sports cca type. all my life its been assemble, choir, dance and all the arty-farty ccas. and all of a sudden im dealing with the pressure of not running fast enough, not being fit enough, my strokes not being powerful enough. its jus now something im ready to deal with. but well, i made a choice to deal with it... isnt it a bit too late to regret now?

i've jus gotta deal with it. so well yea, if you're reading this, im not in the sch squash team. if u wanna mock at me, go ahead. i'll jus keep believing God has greater things in store.

7:27 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Thursday, March 17, 2005

it's over. i dunno what to say, except i feel terribly disappointed in myself. its pointless thinking back on whether i tried hard enough, or whether i was just plainly out of form. its useless and it wldnt culminate in anything. it's over. i've tried hard to remind myself that this is all in God's plan for me... and He will definitely have greater things in store. but its truly hard to go against my human nature. i jus can't stop feeling like a failure who simply can't make it even if it seemed like a piece of cake. this feels horrible, but i've gotta learn to face it. on my own, and learn to grow up and walk on by myself. i want to see the light out of all these. but till then, im retreating to synergiz. i hope to find my light there and i want to be renewed. come live in me, all my life, take over...

i jus dun want to think anymore...

1:16 am
mayhemisphere;
........
Monday, March 14, 2005

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i've learnt the hard way, to never let it get that far

because of you
i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you
i learnt to play on the safe side
so i don't get hurt
because of you
i find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
because of you
i am afraid

i lose my way and
it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because
i know that's weakness in your eyes
im forced to fake a smile, a laugh
everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with

because of you
i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you
i learnt to play on the safe side
so i don't get hurt
because of you
i find it hard to trust not only me
but everyone around me
because of you
i am afraid

i was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
and now i cry in the middle of the night
for the same damn thing

because of you
i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you
i learnt to play on the safe side
so i don't get hurt
because of you
i tried my hardest just to forget everything
because of you
i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you
im ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you
i am afraid

but...
i still can't make myself hate you...
no matter what.

11:56 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Saturday, March 12, 2005

lord you seem so far away
a million miles or more it feels today
and though i haven't lost my faith
i must confess that it's hard for me to pray
but i don't know what to say
and i don't know where to start
but as you give the grace
with all that's in my heart

i will sing
i will praise
even in my darkest hour
through the sorrows and the pain
i will sing
i will praise
lift my hands to honour you
because your word is true
i will sing

i dun feel like saying anything... there's really no need to anyway. not like anyone who actually reads this will understand, or need to know. all that needs to be understood is in my heart, seen and held by the lord. i know he sees, he knows and he's in control, no matter how tough things seem now. there's really nothing else to be worried about. even if the pain at that moment seems too much to bear, i'll jus have to learn to grow up and walk on. yeah, walk on.

the march break is here... well not much of a break anyway, because all my tutors have happily handed down piles and piles of work. well it'll be a good break i need, to stay home these few days. stock up on the sleep im deeply deprived of, and spend some much needed time with my books and music. and of course... with the lord.

9:54 pm
mayhemisphere;
........
Sunday, March 06, 2005

alevels results release. well im not getting results, but it really casts the jitters onto me. especially when aj did so spectacularly well the mediacorp van was here since morning already. you can practically see the teachers floating around on cloud nines. its really good results, and results that i want to see myself getting. but at this point of time, i really don't know. people owaes look at me and say it's no problem. today daniel jus said that to me -- to him alevels is nothing for me. terence also... but they really don't get it. it's not as simple as it seems, and im not as smart as they think i am. i have no idea how some people jus perceive me to be top scholar material. i really do screw up, people! 6 more months down the road, i'll be embarking on the route to major exam no.2 -- alevels. it seems and feels like its gonna be very very soon, too soon for me to be prepared enough. oh pls God, whenever i start slacking and thinking i can be lax for a moment, give me a big knock on my head.
finally the last week of sch for term 1. im looking forward to the one week break especially since there's synergiz to look to. will pray up and prepare myself for this 3 days of spiritual renewal. spiritual renewal.

3:50 pm
mayhemisphere;
........